.a written note.

Typical Tuesday night. Just having done with writing in my diary about today and how it proved to be a hard one when looked back at, the newly noticed thing begins becoming familiar to me, I realize. A thing I've been noticing for a couple of days. Yeah, the sunlight plays a pretty good role making me want to get rid of it and hide in some darkness instead. Sounds dramatic. Even filmy. But the way I become hopeful for the night every night! Hopeful for how its possibly going to be. Hopeful for what am I going to get to know that I didn't figure out when the Sun was up. Does there seem anything feeling more alive than the hope? Is there any such thing, I wonder. I'm hopeful nonetheless. What to actually do with these inner voices or the deeper sources they come from? The deeper sources, I wonder whether they're from the inside or something from the outside is making it happen. Making me feel so. Something. There has to be something. Or someone. Can one really ...

Hearing what mother says, getting to know something more and bad, despite the loud voices I can feel in my head right since the moment father himself spoke to me, I'm stunned. Stunned at the constant unbearable load that gets pulled over to me by myself, sometimes knowingly, unknowingly. What I hear from mother is quite expected but I don't really get how it pains more when actually heard. Its not about what happened earlier, I remember. Its about the phase I've been happening to go through, what don't seem to matter are the efforts I put in. No matter how much I try making it work and making it better, sometimes the resulting things seem to be positive and building up my confidence but somehow nothing from the beginning works and at the end, it gets worse! Having tried many times, having seen many such ends as well, the stunnedness always feels the same, no matter what the reason is. Turning point, I think. Too many voices in the head to make ways for. Too many q...