Maybe this is because life currently has become steadily non-happening and so I walk in circles these days, without coming to a halt. I find myself sleeping for more hours than I usually do and probably need. I must be going to sleep feeling longing for something or nothing at all for I feel even number when I wake up. I have things to do but I've kept most of them away for a while. I have friends to meet but I don't go out lately. When I do, its with my cousin brother. The fresh street and head lights add a specific feel to the pretty, happy and busy faces I see on my way and I am just shown another side of my mood that doesn't last long; a feeling as I reach home, knowing I'll again be the same person enjoying solitude.
The time spent playing old games with the ones I have blood relations with put me at ease somehow and I suddenly miss my family. My own people. They're there in front of me but I end up missing them more than ever. I remember how I was brought up along with my cousins. Laughing and playing and completely living.
I do not exactly know what's happening to me. I don't understand what's with being so regarding everything. The more I feel longing and numb afterwards, I find myself thinking more constantly, I repeat, in circles. A thought crosses my mind and I realize I've been holding myself back for quite a long time and I now know what direction I may go in. I feel its time. I'd seen this coming.
I've been sleeping more, eating less and getting injured more often only to find mother asking me what's wrong. I can feel I weigh less than I did just a month ago. I figure I myself wonder the same and I swear I am fine. And that nothing's wrong. Nothing.
As much as I'm not able to enjoy Summer this year, I am being dragged closer to the layers that surround everything inside me. The layers often having torn up into pieces and that I keep nurturing and know I'll continue to, with a nameless hope that they'd someday be tidy and strong. Or more accurately, be known to me. I won't let it be this time. Because at the moment, I'm afraid of the ticking clock.