.a written note.

I wake up as I feel vibrations and the alarm I'd set last night. I am alone here. It awakens and freshens me up within first two seconds. Its 2AM and its only been three hours of sleep but when I step on the floor, I don't feel I'm compromising anything. I drink a glass of chilled water and I know I want to make this last until the Sun rises. I get my things together and sit down on the floor. Without any mattress. I look at these four walls and I am now reminded of the same mood I used to be in over here a couple of years ago. Of books. And knowledge. The walls that seem nothing more than just walls now, would feel like my companions back then. With this pleasingly idle, breezy midnight and one of the best sounds of winds and leaves of the Palm tree together, I have the whole house to myself. As the sweat starts fading away, I again know I want to make this last until the morning. And I know it is going to be like this every night from now on. Its time. I've known. ...

And do I need to know the age of my soul, really? Do I need to know how old it is? I wonder. As the greenish sky-blue curtains of this bedroom don't mind letting themselves flow, letting themselves be dominated by the summer air, the wild afternoon air, I don't mind going with the flow either. Like a child, I happen to think whether these old yet fresh curtains sometimes purify and cool down the hot summer air first before allowing it to reach me. I become more childlike mentally and wonder if its always been like this. When I see the one who has lately become my everything, my pet, resting entirely over a cold surface that we would call veranda, a smile appears to my face out of..nowhere. A smile, I know, full of memories. I pass by this veranda every time I get in and out, but how this adorable pet of mine, having come to where he was awaited for two long years, owns a power to make me recall everything I witnessed here. Over this veranda. How I lived the best hours o...

Freedom is what I seek, looking out of my untitled dream. Fantasy comes along since I live and exist at the same time. I pray to you, the Lord of the Lords, although I know not the prayers, I need not the words..to converse with you and demand. My silence gets heard, so I believe. Just a soul I am perhaps, in the world that is now familiar. Filled with anonymity and worth. I pray to you, the Lord of the Lords, to help me solve the mysteries. I'm a river that doesn't follow, but flows in a direction nonetheless. I am yet to meet my ocean of desires. I am yet to know the truths that are meant for me to know. I pray to you, the Lord of my soul, to make for me my pathways visible. To let me know one good reason why I exist. To free the ways that belong to me. To free me from the ways I've left behind.

A noticed thing that it now has been a year since I came here on Blogspot. In other words, a place where I met myself. Having my family members and friends getting all excited and happy a lot more than me as it was my birthday yesterday, I didn't seem that happy and perhaps they knew it. I just felt different. My birthday, a day I don't really get excited about from the beginning. It was a day, supposedly for everyone close and closer to me to be concerned only about me. So they spent the day fulfilling the slightest thing I wished, speaking to me as nicely as possible, trying hard to make me feel special. Funny and a great example of how things remotely get perfect. If its anyone else's birthday, I mean anyone else, I'm the one happier than that person. But when its mine, I don't understand why the excitement doesn't come to me naturally. Imperfect, remotely and supposedly imperfect! I logged in here and realized that I got awarded, for the second time. From...

I have J resting her head on my shoulder. I don't have much scope to move a bit despite my aching legs for I don't want to wake her up and the crowd of these ladies surrounding us is a little too much. Its cold outside. It makes me shiver but as I feel her breaths, the calm way she's asleep, it becomes a kind of warmth. The kind that tells me who she really is. A warm person. She wakes up suddenly and forces me to get some sleep too but I deny. A warm person. One that she's always been. I feel proud of standing tall with her a few minutes ago, standing tall for the women who had no space to sit. We fought with the ones who didn't cooperate and couldn't understand the whole thing just because bad luck like other helpless ladies' didn't choose them. We fought, nonetheless, still speaking kindly. There are these two poor ladies who look at the two of us, smiling. I get the reason behind their smiles. Such pure smiles. The thankfulness, anyone could ...

And here I happen to sneak out of another year, 2011. Its beautiful how both heart and mind recall every little thing from the very start of that year. I mean everything. The good and the bad. The hope and the strength I needed to build it up. The betrayals and how I learned to let go. The music I learned to play and the involvement I discovered. The mistakes, the times I regretted 'em. The sports I continued and my newly found capacities. New feelings I felt, new lessons I learned. Its going to be another year, 2012. I haven't yet understood who's the creator of this universe, whether its God or the people like us. Ordinary people and their unusual souls. Whoever that may be, I felt it right this morning to be said some things to someone who wasn't there, didn't hear my words. After all the chaos and beauty of this life, all I can do, want to do is hope. There are things I honestly hope for. A better tomorrow again. I hope I realize things before its to...

Another day. Another morning. I wake up, after 12 hours of sleep. Last night didn't do any less than becoming my companion. My only companion despite everything and anything that's been happening in this period of time. A little too much happening it has become, I notice. I recall a noon. A noon, when my best friend, N had said, "Life, presently, has become way too boring, really! There has to be something happening . I strongly wish for something exciting and fun." I could see how even the thought of doing something exciting brightened her up. "Espcially now, as we'll practically be away within a few days..", she added letting sadness fill her face, her fair cheeks and also those small eyes. I could feel it, seeing her. Now, after almost one and a half years since she went, it feels like the wish for something happening has come true, so what if its happening in a negative way, I think, trying to convince myself. A hot bath comes and goes...