And here I am tonight. The bed I lie in makes the saudade, the longing feel less no matter how it feels really. Painful, chaotic or simply unknown. As my body hesitatingly rests on this bed, my internal self hesitates openly for the belief lays inside that I can come out from there..for there are locked doors ahead that I can open.
I begin to hear that specific sound of typical midnight as the clock ticks 3am and I fail to understand whether both, the little chirping and the sound of silence, make any difference to the sensations I initially feel as I wait for the same whispers to get back to me. I still believe they'll come back but as the night continues to pass every moment, it becomes more chaotic to know the wait makes my heart sink deeper in an unusual way. This isn't what I thought it'd be. This isn't what I thought I'd get in, in the first place.
But I'm starting to fall in this nonetheless. Nonetheless and like never before. Never before as I never knew this existed. I feel when the sensations disappear, no matter what it is but I don't feel anything when they arrive. When they reach me. And perhaps that's what makes me complete. The emptiness. Like it has become more of my identity. Its like floating on a large ocean with me being just a piece of paper. Weightless. But still something you can see when you aim your gaze over the greenish blue water. I start falling in this despite knowing how it can enlarge itself once I completely get in.
I'll continue falling. Deeper and deeper. With my lungs and veins feeling the wetness of this warmth. I'll fall. So deep that I'll forget the ways to get back despite knowing the other side of this river and the ocean beside me. The river I've emptied my petals and the ocean I'll devote myself to.