To the friends I made but couldn’t keep

I think of you.

I think of you a lot of times. Sometimes you occupy my entire day and there are times I wake up in the middle of the night because of the nightmares I get. Nightmares are made of thoughts at the back of one’s mind and more often than not, those thoughts are unaccepted, denied or just scary. I think of you when I’m walking rounds and rounds after dinner, when I’m waiting for my station standing in a crowded bus, when I’m with people laughing and talking excessively, when I’m having good days, when I’m reading a book and come across a similar character like you — like any one of you, when there are extreme joyful situations and also when there are lowest lows. I think of you.

In other words, you didn’t leave my mind. You’re either no longer in my life or you’re on the verge of leaving but you haven’t left my mind and you will probably not.

I met some of you in the most typical scenarios and there are those of you I met accidentally and unexpectedly. But either ways, we had made good friends. To hell with it, we had made the best of friends! It sure felt so, didn’t it? The one thing that scares me is the amount of time I spent with you talking. Does it scare you? We talked so much. I mean there was so much we shared, spoke about and suggested. It was so extreme that at a certain point, each of us had mastered each other’s life stories and had become gurus when it came to problems.

Where did it all go?

I have an idea as to when it all started. We shared 3 am conversations. We bonded over each other’s stories when there were people around but somehow, none of the crowd seemed to matter. We spoke about Sachin Tendulkar, your favourite cricketer, stories of where I got my weird habits from. We bonded over our coffee, morning breakfasts and Maggi cravings. We bonded over things that had little or no importance to others but to us, it was enjoyable. I shared with you the stories I was afraid to share with anyone. I opened the doors when you came and took care of your space when you too held it open for me. You empathized. You could understand because most of the times, we shared the same life lessons and had compatible ways of dealing with them. Now, looking back, it was the most fun I’ve had.

Where did it all go?

I loved you when we were evolving as close friends and even after we drifted apart. We drifted apart. Sometimes you could feel it, the other times I did. The way we drifted apart is different with each one of you. But let me tell you you were my firsts in something or the other. I think of you. Have I failed?