.a written note.

I leave the room anyway. Unbelievable, how it feels better to leave it and choose the terrace instead. It'd comfort me more, for obvious reasons. But perhaps, only perhaps, I need to get out of my comfort zone. I want to. To let the weather outside shiver me badly. Mother can now hear me shivering. She rubs her hands over mine. So soft and warm they feel leaving a motherly touch not only over my hands but all over me. Behind that constant rubbing feels her urge to calm me down sitting on that cot in the middle of night over our terrace.  "What's wrong, will you tell me?", I can feel how much she needs to know the roots of such behaviour. Like my lying in bed, eyes closed but body movements frequently showing the restlessness off for what seemed like hours and then waking up all of a sudden in the dark, going up to the terrace. Something that made her come along when I left. "Nothing, I feel terrible!", I say, shivering. For some strange rea...

Another day. Another morning. I wake up, after 12 hours of sleep. Last night didn't do any less than becoming my companion. My only companion despite everything and anything that's been happening in this period of time. A little too much happening it has become, I notice. I recall a noon. A noon, when my best friend, N had said, "Life, presently, has become way too boring, really! There has to be something happening . I strongly wish for something exciting and fun." I could see how even the thought of doing something exciting brightened her up. "Espcially now, as we'll practically be away within a few days..", she added letting sadness fill her face, her fair cheeks and also those small eyes. I could feel it, seeing her. Now, after almost one and a half years since she went, it feels like the wish for something happening has come true, so what if its happening in a negative way, I think, trying to convince myself. A hot bath comes and goes...

Typical Tuesday night. Just having done with writing in my diary about today and how it proved to be a hard one when looked back at, the newly noticed thing begins becoming familiar to me, I realize. A thing I've been noticing for a couple of days. Yeah, the sunlight plays a pretty good role making me want to get rid of it and hide in some darkness instead. Sounds dramatic. Even filmy. But the way I become hopeful for the night every night! Hopeful for how its possibly going to be. Hopeful for what am I going to get to know that I didn't figure out when the Sun was up. Does there seem anything feeling more alive than the hope? Is there any such thing, I wonder. I'm hopeful nonetheless. What to actually do with these inner voices or the deeper sources they come from? The deeper sources, I wonder whether they're from the inside or something from the outside is making it happen. Making me feel so. Something. There has to be something. Or someone. Can one really ...

Waking up in the morning has never been a pleasant thing. Its more of something that I have to do. The idea of passing the whole day pretending I don't mentally circulate around that one thing, tires me. Passing the whole day trying to divert mind just so that one thing doesn't get the attention and just so I don't end up lying in bed all day long, not speaking to anyone, seeming to be lost in thoughts only to let people wonder what's happened. I never really understood when actually did I start feeling most comfortable alone. Have never been that introvert but when things become as they have now, nothing seems enough to cure it or make me feel that good. I wake up fighting the urge to sleep more. More and more.. until the sunlight goes off again. But I wake up, anyway. Try to pass the whole day doing what comes along. Even the smallest thing, such as keeping the newspapers neat and well, seems to be taking much more time than it should just so it'll decrease ...

Hearing what mother says, getting to know something more and bad, despite the loud voices I can feel in my head right since the moment father himself spoke to me, I'm stunned. Stunned at the constant unbearable load that gets pulled over to me by myself, sometimes knowingly, unknowingly. What I hear from mother is quite expected but I don't really get how it pains more when actually heard. Its not about what happened earlier, I remember. Its about the phase I've been happening to go through, what don't seem to matter are the efforts I put in. No matter how much I try making it work and making it better, sometimes the resulting things seem to be positive and building up my confidence but somehow nothing from the beginning works and at the end, it gets worse! Having tried many times, having seen many such ends as well, the stunnedness always feels the same, no matter what the reason is. Turning point, I think. Too many voices in the head to make ways for. Too many q...

A warm hello to all of you! I feel it is this Blogger-World that made me return here with this new blog along with new things to pen down, same old words but a new way to express them in front of y'all. Its the love from the readers like you that makes me want to open up my heart and life with no second thoughts. I have felt blessed to read your appreciative mails and the way you fed me back regarding my previous blog, just so you know. It was amazing how it pleased me every time a new mail appeared into my inbox no matter whether a known person or a stranger sent it! Reading your mails has always been a pleasing thing! With this new and now-permanent blog, revolving around some old and many new things, needless to say that your suggestions will always hold a welcome from my side like they did before. With uncountable words, here comes the same old me, glad to have my old readers and excited to meet the new ones, to try exploring something new!