.a written note.

And do I need to know the age of my soul, really? Do I need to know how old it is? I wonder. As the greenish sky-blue curtains of this bedroom don't mind letting themselves flow, letting themselves be dominated by the summer air, the wild afternoon air, I don't mind going with the flow either. Like a child, I happen to think whether these old yet fresh curtains sometimes purify and cool down the hot summer air first before allowing it to reach me. I become more childlike mentally and wonder if its always been like this. When I see the one who has lately become my everything, my pet, resting entirely over a cold surface that we would call veranda, a smile appears to my face out of..nowhere. A smile, I know, full of memories. I pass by this veranda every time I get in and out, but how this adorable pet of mine, having come to where he was awaited for two long years, owns a power to make me recall everything I witnessed here. Over this veranda. How I lived the best hours o...

I'll be lying if I say I care. I don't. I don't care how many new emotions I meet as long as emptiness fills me. Should I?  Like the Sun doesn't mind, can't mind letting its light accompany it like an inseparable part of it every time it arises, I don't mind this emotion filling me physically, emotionally. My lungs, veins, cells and my brown skin. My thoughts, dreams and fears and flaws. I am not the Sun, but I wonder whether its burning that spreads the light, that uncontrollably gentle and dominating light all over the floor and the air of this universe, is strong and pure enough to enter one's soul. I remember how unstable I used to get because of one specific source. No, I don't blame the source, I wonder if I failed to grab the beauty, the positivity as much as instability I possibly got. But I can't wonder much. I don't. I've probably come farther than the path where I would've had asked for assurance, security around somet...

Things to be sorted out were all I'd kept in the pending zone of my mind, a number of days before and after I turned nineteen. I called my meet with N a break I probably needed but its too soon to call it a break and to give myself one in the first place. My meet with N, the time we spent together in a complete different place, perhaps, was nameless. Without any label. And maybe, I truly hope, maybe, the very anonymity of it was what I needed to occupy the meantime. The meantime when there were huge possibilities of me doing the unnecessary and getting myself stuck in yet another mess. There lay gladness in me initially. Gladness of knowing I'm still capable enough to be flexible and let things happen as they do, take life as it comes. To accept the unacceptable and rearrange the could-have-been-broken parts. To deny the guilt and hatred and define change in a new way. It was a little hard to know the gladness lay somewhere inside due to the presence of confusion, ...

I've been tagged in an Eleven Post from Izdiher, who happens to be a great supporters for the words I share here. There are questions I have to answer. So here I go without wasting any more time since I love answering questions. :) 1. You look like? Ans: I look North Indian. Kolkata. Bengali girl, so I've been told. 2. You live like? Ans: Like a trouble maker lives. 3. Where are your keys? Ans: You don't know, since you ask. 4. How much money do you have in your pocket at the moment? Ans: I don't. Empty today. 5. You love those places where..? Ans: Where I can read, have fun. Kind of a shadowy place. Also a happening one. 6. Where is Africa? Ans: I've been weak at Geography! 7. You're hooked on? Ans: Depends. 8. What came first, egg or hen? Ans: Your question! 9. Why Zebra wears stripped dress? Ans: Probably having a good sense of style! 10. Why the Sun is yellow? Ans: Because the Moon isn't. 11. Your dream bf is..? Ans: Unde...

Freedom is what I seek, looking out of my untitled dream. Fantasy comes along since I live and exist at the same time. I pray to you, the Lord of the Lords, although I know not the prayers, I need not the words..to converse with you and demand. My silence gets heard, so I believe. Just a soul I am perhaps, in the world that is now familiar. Filled with anonymity and worth. I pray to you, the Lord of the Lords, to help me solve the mysteries. I'm a river that doesn't follow, but flows in a direction nonetheless. I am yet to meet my ocean of desires. I am yet to know the truths that are meant for me to know. I pray to you, the Lord of my soul, to make for me my pathways visible. To let me know one good reason why I exist. To free the ways that belong to me. To free me from the ways I've left behind.

That moment arrives when a normal day starts feeling like a storm all around you. The air feels cruel. The winds, even more. You hurt. It doesn't go away. It troubles you outwardly. Your head feels empty, but gets heavier every minute. The weight of never-ending thoughts, insecurities and the fear. You try badly for this storm to stop. You try not to let anything enter your mind for you know you'll have to pay for it. But what you avoid, identifies you. What you're supposed to be like, kills you somehow. Every thought leads you back to that same place. You long. You hurt. Like a beggar. Full of regrets. Full of what ifs and buts. You're nothing inside but everything inside you is just too much that you feel the space isn't enough. You feel weightless. But it feels like the burden is breaking you and pushing you down the floor, deep down the tiles of your room and even the sand thereafter. You don't stop trying but the storm always wins. Like it has won, r...

Some unknown hurry. Some desperation I knew but didn't have to come across. Until now. Until this specific moment. Its midnight. I guess so. I'm horrified. Scared. Feeling almost empty. And emptier, the more I think of what made me feel like it. The roots of it. The dream I just dreamt. The dream I happened to dream. Unwillingly, for sure. I'd prefer anything over the kind of a dream I just dreamt, my instincts. No, nothing's going to happen to her, the voice almost yells from the inside. Needless to say the dream was worse than reality. So worse that the reality itself would rather seem and feel beautiful. My mother used to say, considering the continuity of the dreams I dreamt back then, that people usually dreamt about things they constantly thought of or wished to happen. I remember the days when I used to stumble across the same as I did now. Bad, painful dreams, making me feel like I was never going to get away from them. Most of the dreams, back then, were the...

I'm passing The Overlord Award to Rahul  http://randomrahul.blogspot.in/  Only a sentence: A great platform if fictions interest you! *** I am back to my hometown, three weeks before the birthday. I'd left this place for the sake of giving myself a break and I figured it was a well made decision. On the contrary, I did behave weirdly the day I left her place, for some unknown reasons. Sometimes I wonder whether we became best of friends by an accident but what mattered was the bond we shared. As true as it is, it confuses me many a times. Not that anything's wrong. Here, since I'm back, I notice there are things I'm yet to figure out. If taken a look, I knew I was gonna find tremendous things yet to be sorted out but I did like the idea of keeping all those things in a pending zone of my mind, taking a break for a specific time, pretending for myself to throw up all my cares in the air and knowing I'm gonna have to head back to the zone that awaited me. Hu...

I consider myself fairly blessed for having come across The Blogspot. Its been a year since I came here and started sharing every word with you all, my readers, with no second thoughts and I guess it happened naturally! Like my readers deserved it. I believe that you do have the rights to know about me. You deserve the honesty. To confess, there are many things that blogspot taught me. I never really tried venting out here but that's okay, I mean I never really had to. Because the moment I started typing my thoughts and certain things, it always made me feel good. Complete. Blogspot never really gave me ways to express in any kind of desperation. It perhaps knew what I actually needed to rather than what I wanted. It kept the desperation away but introduced me with simple but beautiful ways to think with. It teaches me that being who I am is okay. That its far better than being who I'm not. So, hello, I'm gonna have to reveal 10 things about me that my readers probably d...

A noticed thing that it now has been a year since I came here on Blogspot. In other words, a place where I met myself. Having my family members and friends getting all excited and happy a lot more than me as it was my birthday yesterday, I didn't seem that happy and perhaps they knew it. I just felt different. My birthday, a day I don't really get excited about from the beginning. It was a day, supposedly for everyone close and closer to me to be concerned only about me. So they spent the day fulfilling the slightest thing I wished, speaking to me as nicely as possible, trying hard to make me feel special. Funny and a great example of how things remotely get perfect. If its anyone else's birthday, I mean anyone else, I'm the one happier than that person. But when its mine, I don't understand why the excitement doesn't come to me naturally. Imperfect, remotely and supposedly imperfect! I logged in here and realized that I got awarded, for the second time. From...